Christmas Party hum no Holiday party hum whatever...

This really does happen.

FROM: Ms.Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time. Happy now?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your
name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign
on the table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating,
drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party,
or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss
anything?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect
me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess
worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your
shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our
principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock
at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken
> hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have
feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE:Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.