birthday entry

 

 

Cameron: mom how do you make eggs?

Me: Eggs?? What kind of eggs? Scrambled eggs?

Cameron: yeah

Me: Well you take two eggs break them open..you put them into a bowl and then you take a fork and beat them up...then you put them in a pan to cook..Why are you wanting to know

Cameron: < looks at me with a frustrated look> Oh man thats too hard.. I wanted to make you a birthday breakfast...

Me: oh Sweetheart that is so sweet than you even thought to do it..That right there is present enough for mom..

Me: I love you Cameron..

Cameron: Love you to...

So this morning I didnt get my eggs in fact cameron was hard to get up...

but the thought of his sweet love stays with me today...

Cameron mom thinks you Rock

 

So Happy Birthday to me today I am 46...doesnt seem so old when you get here

 

coversations

 

 

So it has been a while sent Shelby's passing to Kitty heaven.. I think of him still but it doesn't hurt as much..

I now realized how much stress Shelby had put on our lives with all his urination and pooping where ever for the last 2 years...

Putting the wood floors helped in the end..nevertheless

Zach still talks about shelby and how he misses him

we had this conversation

Zach: Mom I still miss Shelby

Me: you still miss shelby? I do to

Zach: I talk to him at night

Me: you do?

Zach: I ask God if I could talk to him and he lets me. I tell Shelby that we miss him still and we love him <a sad look in his eyes>

Me:oh honey that is sweet you miss him..I am glad you get to talk to him..Tell him I love himm

Zach: I already do momma and he misses you

Me:<Sad Sigh>

coversations

We were all sitting around watching home videos..

my sister,hubby,neice,nephew,and my kids..

We were watching Cameron at 6 months and he was in my grandmas lap trying to chew on a newspaper...finally Aaron my nephew said

Aaron: What is Cameron chewing on? Is it newspaper

We all said in unison: It's A TV Guide

Aaron:<age13> says what the heck is a TV GUIDE?

Me: Back in the day you didn't have a button to push on the tv to see want was coming on you had to read a magazine called the TV Guide. it told you what was on every channel

Aaron: Laughing ...Your kidding me..

Me: No we not..

Aaron: Boy that had to suck

Me: well not really it was all we knew..

Aaron: Well you have a point..

 

I guess he had never seen a TV Guide b4....Too Funny

duh mom

I read in people tony bennet got married he was 80 his wife was 40

it said after 2 decades of dating.

So I start thinking 2 decades 20 years...she was 20 and he was 60...then you know how your minds says is that right.?.

Then I start to doubt myself maybe a decade isn't 10 years..

I walk into the living room and say

Me: Cameron is a decade 10 years

Cameron: <says in a tone that says I'm dence>huhhhh yeah because a decagon has 10 side so its 10 years..

Me:<shaking my head thinking what the heck is a decagon I don't even remember that crap> Where does the kids remember all this crap

boy he is already smarter than me....Don't tell him that....

your freaking me out

 

My nephew is over spending the night

He is showing my son a website call Peteranswers.com

you ask it questions and it gives you answers

So my son says oh my gosh!!!

aaron had asked peter if he was in the room

the answer: this slide show is boring..

we were watching a slide show of randys childhood

I get up and walk over<this has peak my interest...I said ask it something else..

What color is my shirt..

it answers green

ok that is creepy...

How many people are standing in this room

It answers 5

I say <..starting to feel my skin crawl > there must be something to it..a trick

I go on the other computer and my nephew walks in and says it is a trick

He says you put a period in and type in the answer... I guess the answer doesn't show or something...

I said its a good thing I was starting to get creeped out..

So he is in there tricking the boys....Too Funny

Cameron is convinced the guy is going to come get us so he goes into the kitchen and gets a knife...

I say its a trick cameron...put the knife up silly

Cameron: it was a trick<laughing> now he is wanting to know how to do it himself..

Little trickers...

I have to admit he really got me...and I don't fall easy

 

 

bam humbug

I

 

 

I am Not ready for school to start... First it rained so much we couldnt swim for over half the summer and when it did get warm I had to work...Even thought we are getting 2 extra weeks because they are moving the date to start back to August 27...It still feels like a short summer...

 

conversations

We are visiting family...and staying with my dad and stepmom.. we visited my mom also today at her house

my stepmom comes into the room laughing.. I ask her what was so funny and.....

Zach:<talking to my stepmom> Have you seen my mimi's house?

<mimi is my mother so you can keep the story straight>

Nonnie<stepmom>: yes I have she has white things in her house called dollies have you seem them?

Zach: yes I have...she<meaning mimi>lives alone she needs a pet

Nonnie: Or she needs to get married

Zach: naugh she already has been married ...she was married to your husband....

 

Too funny kids.. He has just figured out that my parents divorced....and my dad remarried but my mom didn't..of course they have been divorced..over 25 years..but this is all new to him

coversations

 

 

 

Me:  SOMEONE LET THE DOGS OUT!!!    I MEAN IN!!! WHATEVER YOUR DOG WANTS SOMETHING GO SEE

Cameron: momma how come you always get things backwards..sometimes you call me zach or landon you get confused

ME: Well honey its part of getting older you will do it when you get older

Cameron: NO I won't....

ME:< I look up slighty amuzed>

Cameron: I won't because I will put name tags on everybody!!

conversation

Me HEY who left the washroom door open

Kids:  I didn't

Me: Well you know shelby will pee on the clothes if you don't shut the door

Kids: <looking at me strangely>

I realized what I just said and looked down

ME: Oh never mind he is not here..<feeling stupid>

Later in the day

Me: Cameron are you excited about baseball practice

Cameron: Yes very much excited but a little nervous

<Cameron has never played baseball with a team before>

Me: what are you nervous about

Cameron: I'm afraid I'll mess up or worse accidentally Fart

Me: LOL well even if you do ..you probably wont be the only one..

Cameron:<giggles>

 

Funny thing about death

 

 

OUR SHELBY

funny thing about death...It forgets to tell your brain it happened...

I'm sure this must be how people who lose loved one ...human loved ones   but maybe the hurt is deeper...probably  way much deeper

I was sitting at the computer and I heard a sound....I thought for a split second Shelby is looking for me... then is hits... oh yeah he is not here...

The kids have been a little melancholy...

Here are a few snippet of conversations...

Zach: mom are you sad about your Shelby

Me: Yes I am very sad

Zach: me too <big sigh> I miss him

Me: yes its very hard ..

Zach: how old was Shelby

Me: 18 years old

Zach: you had him before me<stops and thinks> before all of us...except Landon

Me: yes...Shelby was there when momma was lonely and needed someone to love me..

later that night....

Zach: momma look a piece of shelby's hair...we should save it

:<feeling a stabbed in my heart> I pick up the piece of hair and stare at it...not really sure what to do with it... I lay it back down...

When I took a bath I keep waiting for him to join me on the ledge..to meow for me

My long time friend called...i told her about shelby

I said it was like a marriage...an 18 year marriage except...he only wanted to be fed and loved never asked for anything else...my friend laughs and said that's better than a marriage..I chuckle and say yeah your right...

I know some people say oh its just a stupid cat get another one...

It more than that Shelby represented all my life experiences because he shared then with me...he was there...nobody else was

When someone you love dies a guess a little piece of you dies with them... the piece they loved so maybe I guess maybe...oh I don't know...

I told my hubby today Shelby's death and the sadness I feel is like a wound that's been scrap open again....A wound call death that I have been through before...with people and other pets..

A reminder of my own death.to come perhaps...

 

 

Zach: momma

Me: yes baby

Zach: I know when you go to heaven Shelby will be there to see you.....He will be happy and he wont be sick anymore...you can be together forever...

Me: Yes baby...forever...

 

He is gone

I just left my cat of 18 years at the vet to be put to sleep....

i am so sad.......

i wanted to be with him as he went through it but I couldn't I had to leave....

I'm such a coward I feel .....

for not staying while they did it.....

Forgive me shelby.... You were a great cat....thank for being around even when others in my life were not....

TEARS

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE

I have to put my cat of 18 years asleep

My husband is just glad the cat will be gone

That when I said I need to feel special my husband refuses to get

That my game night friends didn't include my birthday with the august birthdays and just totally forgot me but always expect me to show with a present for them

Because I do not have the guts to tell them I am hurt and that it matters to me

That My life feels empty in ways I can't understand or put to words

That my body is aging and turning against me

That people don't give me the right to be me .......whatever that is

That I take care of wealthy people who do not give a shit about me..or that I am taking good care of them...looking down there noses at me as I attend to there plastic surgery with love and tenderness...

That I have worked my ASS off for many DR's not one ever offered me a free surgery like they do the other workers....or even said thank you...for everything

That I'm going to be 46 and my husband has never ever given me a birthday party..

That I felt I was nothing without a man when I was young and now I don't....too late

That I wasted college doing what I thought my boyfriend wanted instead of being me

That my high school sweetheart bailed when I was pregant and I didn't fight him to help me take care of Landon...

That I had a child so young and never got to live my dreams...

That I didn't have the guts to adopt Landon out at such a young age so he could have a better life than what a 19 year old could offer

That I feel guilty for the above feelings because I know I would lay my life for him..

I let my son Landon live with his dad and missed years of his life because they lied about helping me out they just wanted to take him from me...

That I'm stubborn and too proud to ask for help yet the first to give help.

That my neighborhood has this stupid national night out and this people show up to get the food and never come out in there yard for another year..

That people i this town are so selfish

That I lose my temper with my children

I hate that I let people take advantage of me

I hate that for the first time I ever sttod my groudn with my friend Tammy of 18 years stopped talking to me because I politely stood my ground about my feelings  of me feeling she let me down in my time of need 

Mad that I waste years on friends and family only to realize that no one really cares about me ................

TEARS>>>>>>>>>>

If they only know the sadness and pain my heart feels if only I could open my mouth and let the words...flow...

but I cannot.......

GOD DO YOU HEAR MY WORDS ......do you feel my tears in my heart...

loneliness in a sea of people.....nobodies moving toward whatever they move to...

SIGH...

Angry that I question even GOD

That I'm pathetic

Just thoughts in my head....put on a piece of paper...................

 

 

 

conversation

I was sitting at the laptop  typing away I have been gone for around48 hours straight working and dum drum tired..

Cameron walks up with a serious face and voice

Cameron: mom

Me: yes

Cameron:I have something to tell you<he says in avery serious voice>

ME: What?

Cameron: When I drink water I don't know why but I fart

Me:  <laughing> HUM ok.....

Not really knowing why I need to know this info..

Cameron: Kind of like you and cabbage...

Me thinking .....hum point well taken..

who do you miss

Is there a journal that no longer write that you miss????

I miss one by polysci. I believe her name was TARA she was a lawyer and funny as hell

She just stopped writing I contacted her about a year ago and she said that her boyfriend wish she would journal again...but she didnt say if she would ever journal again

her journal was The Soundtrack of my life...

 

aol alerts

why is it when aol alerts screw up and the reeinstate they don't pick up the journal you had and you loose people and don't know it until months later..

I know I have lost people and they have lost me....and we never know it until something triggers our memory..