I AM ANGRY BECAUSE
I have to put my cat of 18 years asleep
My husband is just glad the cat will be gone
That when I said I need to feel special my husband refuses to get
That my game night friends didn't include my birthday with the august birthdays and just totally forgot me but always expect me to show with a present for them
Because I do not have the guts to tell them I am hurt and that it matters to me
That My life feels empty in ways I can't understand or put to words
That my body is aging and turning against me
That people don't give me the right to be me .......whatever that is
That I take care of wealthy people who do not give a shit about me..or that I am taking good care of them...looking down there noses at me as I attend to there plastic surgery with love and tenderness...
That I have worked my ASS off for many DR's not one ever offered me a free surgery like they do the other workers....or even said thank you...for everything
That I'm going to be 46 and my husband has never ever given me a birthday party..
That I felt I was nothing without a man when I was young and now I don't....too late
That I wasted college doing what I thought my boyfriend wanted instead of being me
That my high school sweetheart bailed when I was pregant and I didn't fight him to help me take care of Landon...
That I had a child so young and never got to live my dreams...
That I didn't have the guts to adopt Landon out at such a young age so he could have a better life than what a 19 year old could offer
That I feel guilty for the above feelings because I know I would lay my life for him..
I let my son Landon live with his dad and missed years of his life because they lied about helping me out they just wanted to take him from me...
That I'm stubborn and too proud to ask for help yet the first to give help.
That my neighborhood has this stupid national night out and this people show up to get the food and never come out in there yard for another year..
That people i this town are so selfish
That I lose my temper with my children
I hate that I let people take advantage of me
I hate that for the first time I ever sttod my groudn with my friend Tammy of 18 years stopped talking to me because I politely stood my ground about my feelings of me feeling she let me down in my time of need
Mad that I waste years on friends and family only to realize that no one really cares about me ................
TEARS>>>>>>>>>>
If they only know the sadness and pain my heart feels if only I could open my mouth and let the words...flow...
but I cannot.......
GOD DO YOU HEAR MY WORDS ......do you feel my tears in my heart...
loneliness in a sea of people.....nobodies moving toward whatever they move to...
SIGH...
Angry that I question even GOD
That I'm pathetic
Just thoughts in my head....put on a piece of paper...................
Posts
10 comments:
You know what? I think your friend Tammy must have been use to you always agreeing with her side of things, and she couldn't handle the fact that You stood up to her! GOOD FOR YOU...IT IS HER LOSS!
Remember all the good years you were able to have your kitty...and as far as your husband...he is like some other men..he needs some serious sencitivity training! You know, when it comes to your job..if you are doing a good job and not getting the bennifits the others are...speak up about it, in a nice way of course....but yeah I know the feeling there too.
I hope you know that I love your journal and I for one think that You are a wonderful person...
love ya,
carlene
I think its okay to vent and its great that you have this place as a resource to do so. No one can tell you how you feel or how to feel, that is your right. I will certainly not sit in judgment of your feelings on these matters or admissions, they are yours! I can empathize where your friend is concerned. My friend walked away from me after a falling out, and we've not spoken since even though I did try and reach out to her on several occasions. It is hurtful, but guess what - I'm still breathing, lol. I hope you will make peace with your past, there is nothing you can do about it. I love that saying by Will or is it Roy Rogers -- Don't let yesterday use up too much of today! Hope you feel better soon and I'm sorry about your cat.
My dear, we all question God. He's used to it, and he can take it. And he does hear. I'm so sorry all this stuff has piled up on you, overwhelming you like this. I can feel your pain. I can see your tears. Please take care of yourself.
Awwwwwww Donna I am so sorry you are sad, Hugs to you, by the way your birthday is this month but I have'nt missed it already have I ? I hope not, Hugs Lisa
Keep writing it helps the soul
Keep the faith and look at the good you are doing
All your efforts will be rewarded in the end
Maybe not right this minute, but will in time
Get good sleep, always get dressed and keep busy
Wear a smile and the smiles will come back three fold
Maybe with not the people you want, but it's okay
You've made someone's day.
If you cannot talk with your family, or feel that you can't
Write a loving note to show how you feel
Giving them time to read and digest it; maybe that will help
It will at least help you.
No Donna you are not pathetic, you are just saying what you feel and its good to do that. I'm so sorry everything seems to be hitting at once. I wish you a better day tomorrow. Paula
You are nwhere near pathetic! You are getting the raw end of every deal and everyone in your life, right now. Makes me sick that you are made to feel so bad because the people around you are too self-centered to notice you and realize they are hurting you...
All I could think of when I was reading this, is your boys. Those sweet, funny wonderful boys of yours! Look at them, and know you are a WONDERFUL person and you have created wonderful people...Hope you feel a little better today...Love Jae
Darling Donna, I dare to say we all feel that way sometime. Like failures for many things and unappreciated for everything else. But, you are NOT a failure. You did what you could at the time with the information and maturity you had then. I know those darling boys appreciate their Mama very much! Hubbies sometimes just don't get it, but that doesn't mean they don't care! I love you! And yes, God loves you dear. And it's okay to pour it all out to Him. ((((Donna)))) - Barbara
I understand. So many of your thoughts have been my thoughts.....
It really hurts to find you so sad, especially since we all have periods of depression like this. I know you will soon be feeling better because I have read your later journals. You find delight in common things. As I read this I know you still have the awful pain of putting Shelby to sleep ahead. But we know we are going to outlive our pets, but we love them freely. Just a shame that their lives are shorter than ours.
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