I have a private journal that I usually write in about my life with depression...It is very deep and at times a little weird when I read back and see how sad I can get.How deep the hole inside me gets...
but today I decided to be brave and write my entry in here...just to throw it out there...Not sure why..
This house is very quite .....everyone is asleep except me....
Sleep is a luxury I don't always get my body does its own thing...
It has been 5 days since I have started my meds and I feel a little lost...
You see with meds the sadness has been gone.. and quite frankly I'm missing it at times...
It has been a part of me for years...I hide it well at times at times I dont....
Its like my friend" depression" has gone and quite frankly I don't really know how to act.
Parts of me don't miss it and the other part still looks for it....searching all the while not really wanting to find it....not really..but wondering if it is just hiding and waiting to peeks it head out at me....
Afraid that it will come back and consume my thoughts....
I do not know for sure that this med is the answer..I'm afraid to think about it too much
like the thinking will mess things up...but it hasn't
I have found myself second guessing or even trying to find something wrong with this med...
Is it because I don't know how it just live happy??
I have no answers..only questions..
Sometime I tell myself maybe my family is right and I'm just a weakling and need to toughen up...
But I know it easy to tell someone how to feel when your not experiencing it..They are wrong but they mean well...
So I sat here and type and think....What does the world hold for me today or tomorrow...
I'm not sure but this I know whatever it is I will face it brokeness and all..I will make it thorough...
Donna In TEXAS
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13 comments:
I hope it helps you to know that I feel the same way a lot of times with my meds. I wonder daily if I will ever feel happy with life. Sometimes though I feel content with my hub and kids etc... I still feel blah or just lifeless like something has sucked the life and passion right out of me. I remember a long time ago when life always seemed so exciting and new. Today everything is just a blur and just umm..I dunno ..boring, old, and stale. You are not alone Donna. If you ever need to talk let me know as I am alwasy here to lend an ear....Chin up!
Stacy
Hang on in there Donna, give the meds a chance. I am sure you will be feeling much better soon. Big Hugs.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/Family
First off let me say how proud i am of you for being bold enough to share this with us. I know it could not have been easy. But dont you feel better ? I know what you mean about missing the depression. This is because it becomes so familar to us when we have gone through it. Its like that favorite pair of shoes that we cant find anymore cause they are hidden in the closet underneath all the other shoes. Depending of what your ailment is, meds can be or cant be the solution. But it is nice when they return us to logical ways of thinkng.
You are doing great, the med is doing what it is supposed to be doing believe it or not. I remember being on a similar one and it took me a few months to realize that the sadness and depression are GOOD things not to have, but I didn't know how to function without them either. If I smiled or laughed I would feel funny about it. You will, in time, get used to it and start to find happiness in daily things. Just give it time sweety! You were very brave sharing this entry with your readers instead of in your other journal. :)
Hugs and love, Lisa
It is good that you posted this in your public journal. It took strength and courage to do that and you should feel very good about that. It's funny, as I read your entry, I could have written the very same thing. I wish there were answers or I wish my head would quite asking questions.
Being a little brave? Sounds like you're being very brave.
Good for you Donna.
A good entry.
Big hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}
You know I know
I'm proud of you for sharing this publicly. A great entry! enjoy being happy for awhile we all deserve to be at least a little happy from time to time it takes time to adjust to the meds and feeling good again, but it's all worth it in the long haul...take care~kbear
It is hard sometimes to let go of something that has been with you for a long time.I am proud of you. You keep taking steps forward!
Donna, It's good to talk about this...here.....hope you start to feel comfortable with the new meds.
Ellen
((((())))) to you.
It's not easy to write about things so personal, but hopefully this has helped you some, and maybe others that are reading and feel the same way.
You take care my dear, am thinking of you.
Sara x
I am so proud of you for speaking about this, in this journal! You described so well the inner torment that a lot of depression sufferers experience; you are NOT alone. It is great that the meds are helping! As far a sfearing happiness, it may actually be a fear that if you attain happiness, and then lose it again, it will be devastating...but it may also be that "happiness" is just so out of your comfort zone that you do not know who you will be! And losing who we are is very scary! Let me just say, I am so happy for you that you have found relief...JAE
depression suxs!!!! I know htat I could not stand myself when I wa snot on meds...I finally feel like me again on meds. I do know many people don't quite know who they are once they get on meds!!!! I am so proud of you for telling us!
Becky
ps...I got your IM message, hubby told me you Im'd me....
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